So let me tell you my absolutely true story of how the right car insurance helped me gain fame, fortune and the love of my life, all because I purchased a top-hole  insurance plan at the exact right moment in time — give or take a few seconds, if you want to be technical about it.

First of all, let me start off by saying that I raise wombats. Not your silly, common garden variety wombats — those are a dime a dozen — but really high quality, well-bred wombats, the type you can take on the train with you when you visit the mater on Sundays.

You might ask yourself — although you’d do better if you asked me instead — just what use are wombats? That’s where I’d answer you, well, what use are dogs and cats? I mean, what use is Michael Parkinson, when you come to think of it? Wombats have their place in society, too.

At any rate, I was taking Ethelred, my prize wombat, down to the country with me on the train one Sunday - my car was in a police pound, because I hadn't paid for car insurance - to check out some high-grade furze, when I opened the door of his hatch so that he could enjoy the view. That’s when he became a little unnecessarily fascinated with the woman sitting next to us.

It would have all been all right in the end, of course, if she hadn’t had a handbag; it wasn’t Ethelred’s fault that she had to carry one. I mean, why do women carry such large handbags? Well, he didn’t know what it was, probably thought it was some kind of a nest. Come to think of it, it rather looked like a nest, and I suppose that’s why he dived right in.

She didn’t have to scream so loud. It’s not as if Ethelred looked anything like a snake; he’s actually quite cute and cuddly, if you don’t notice his teeth. Even then, he has a few missing, so she shouldn’t have reacted so strongly.

“Madam,” I called out above the din, “Wombats are herbivores; besides, Ethelred has already had his Sunday dinner, and he knows he’s on a strict diet.” You have to be firm with some people.

Of course, she paid no attention — and the upshot of it all was that she frightened poor Ethelred; I’m afraid he went a bit off his head. He jumped out of the handbag, landed on her hair — which really did look like a nest — and made rather a mess of it. I imagine it would have been rather painful, except for the fact that it was all a wig; luckily, it stayed on until right before he jumped off.

That didn’t keep her from taking me to court. Thanks to my top-notch business insurance, not only were my court costs taken care of, but I also got off with a warning, because my insurance helped me pay for a first-rate solicitor as well.

After the story came out in the press, suddenly everyone wanted a wombat to give as a gift. Since I’m the only wombat seller in this part of England, I made a fortune.

Did I mention that I also met the love of my life? Well, another wombat fancier contacted me because she wanted her lady wombat to meet Ethelred. So it turns out that Ethelred and I both found the love of our lives — and all because of the right business insurance.

It does make you wonder a bit about the scheme of things, doesn’t it? On a different subject - has your car been impounded? Need impounded car insurance?